Nothing
by Baru
Summary: What are you supposed to do when everybody around you is grieving? And you're the only one that feels nothing? Post-AE. Malik-centric. END OF THE MANGA SPOILERS!


Nothing 

Malik's POV

Silence hung in the air, drawn out unto a final note. The sky opened up, shining above us. But that gave the others no consolation. No. The sun still wasn't able to dry the unbidden tears of goodbye. Nothing could cure the anguish that surrounded the area.

I felt burdened by the sadness as I led the group along with Nee-san and Rishid through the valley. The sun beat down mercilessly upon the grieving group. The misery was thick in the air. It seemed like it would suffocate me. I felt it from everybody. I even felt it from Nee-san and Rishid.

I was the only one who felt nothing.

I felt no sorrow, no happiness, nothing. I felt nothing at his departure. There wasn't a void or anything. It's like seeing a stranger walk away. You just don't feel anything.

I desperately wanted to break the silence, but I was afraid the fragile glass would shatter if I said anything.

It was like that all the way to the boat. No one said anything, even as we walked up the ramp. I couldn't take it anymore.

"It's a nice day," I said flatly, hearing the glass crack and shatter as I said that.

All their eyes were on me. I gulped, knowing that someone was going to say something.

"Is that all you can say, you bastard?!" the blond, Jounouchi, yelled. He took a threatening step forward, amber eyes blazing in a mixture of emotions. "Is that all you can say, Malik, when Atemu pretty much just died? It's a nice day?! Nice day my ass!"

"Jounouchi!" Yugi reprimanded. "You're overreacting!"

Jounouchi looked down at Yugi, pleading amethyst eyes meeting his fiery amber ones. Something passed between them that made Jounouchi stop. He dropped his fists to his side, clenching his teeth in frustration.

"He was just trying to break the silence, Jounouchi," Anzu explained, patting Jounouchi's shoulder. "No reason to get angry."

But I saw those tears still shining in her sea-blue eyes. I knew secretly that the brunette was wondering why I dared to say something like that and act like I didn't care if he just died.

"Well, it appears I'm unwanted here. I'm going to my room," I told them, quickly turning on my heel and leaving the scene. They did nothing to stop me.

I made eye contact with Nee-san and Rishid, but all I could see was sorrow. Dammit, even THEY were affected by the Pharaoh's departure!

I looked away, not able to keep looking into their inky blue and green depths of gloom.

I finally reached my room, slamming the door behind me. Trying to block out the depression that haunted me. The depression that reprimanded me for not feeling anything. It was closing in, suffocating me.

I made my way over to my stereo, popping in a random CD.

Music always seemed to make whatever was haunting me go away. Whenever I felt my other self stir within me, I played some music and he seemed to abate. Music was one of the few things that kept my sanity, the way it wrapped around you and just let you submerse into the feelings.

Today, not even that kept away the blues. A haunting voice floated out of the speakers, surrounding me in her sorrow.

Great. I just had to choose Evanescence. Though they were one of my favorite American bands, this was not what I needed to get rid of the sorrow that followed me.

_I still remember the world_

_From the eyes of a child_

_Slowly those feelings_

_Were clouded by what I know now_

Amy Lee's voice brought the Fields of Innocence to life. My favorite song. As my hand reached for the stop button, I couldn't bring myself to change the song. The melody beckoned to me, wanting me to join with it. I smiled, giving into the pull.

"Where has my heart gone

An uneven trade for the real world

Oh I, I want to go back to

Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" 

I sang softly to the song, letting my voice become one with the projection of Amy Lee's voice. I sang in the lower register, balancing out the vocals.

The song reached out for me, making my heart clench in despair. But it wasn't for Atemu. It was for my own past.

I feel selfish now. I should be feeling woe for the Pharaoh, but instead I'm feeling woe for myself, Nee-san, and Rishid. Selfish. I couldn't believe how selfish I was feeling right now.

"Where has my heart gone

Trapped in the eyes of a stranger

I want to go back to

Believing in everything" I sang the final verse of the song, letting my voice fade into darkness.

Applause snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned towards the doorway, somehow open. There, I saw Yugi, clapping enthusiastically.

"That was very nice Malik!" Yugi complimented, flashing me a smile. "You're very good at singing!"

I couldn't help but smile slightly as he complimented me. "How much did you hear?"

"Just the last part of the song,"

"I see." I replied, trying not to show my true feelings. Silence passed thickly between us.

"Ummm...I was worried about you, so I came into here." Yugi admitted suddenly, looking down at the ground shyly.

I suddenly found the dresser interesting. I continued to stare at the mahogany surface, trailing into gold trimming. I saw every little nick that ruined the supposed flawless surface. Cracks ran through the dresser, leading off into others, grasping for total control.

"I knew something was wrong when we reached the boat. I knew there was something up with you." Yugi continued. "Don't mind Jounouchi. I know you were just trying to get everyone to start talking, to wash away the pain."

I stayed silent. I was content listening to what the munchkin had to say. Heh. Munchkin. I wonder if he would get annoyed by that.

Yugi lapsed into silence. I felt his eyes looking up at me in sympathy. "You didn't feel anything when Atemu left, did you? You still don't really feel anything, right?"

I didn't have to acknowledge that he was right. He already knew.

"It's ok, Malik. It's ok not to feel anything." Yugi tried to reassure me.

"Easy for you to say!" I turned towards him, my lavender eyes clashing with his amethyst ones. "Even Nee-san and Rishid feel something! Even THEY feel something! But I don't! Atemu's passing just felt like saying goodbye to a stranger!"

Yugi said nothing. I knew he wanted me to continue.

"I don't feel a fucking thing!" my voice rose. "I feel no fucking thing for the fucking Pharaoh's departure!"

He was still silent. That just angered me more.

"Don't you have anything to say!? Anything to defend your precious other you!? Do you even have a fucking problem that I don't fucking care!?"

"...No." Yugi finally said. I stopped. No? He wasn't angry with me at all? That snapped me out of my anger.

"Why?"

Yugi looked up at me, sympathy written all the way to the tip of his blond bangs. "You never got to see the side of Atemu that we got to see. You never got to see his motivation, his kindness, any of his good qualities. Isis and Rishid did. But you never really knew Atemu."

I clenched my fists at my side, his every word stinging my heart like needles in cardboard.

"I can't blame you for that. For so long you were mislead, thinking that he was the one that gave you this cursed life. And even after you found out the truth, you still never fully forgave him, did you?"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I shook my head numbly.

"It's ok, Malik. If I ever went through what you did, I'd probably think the same way of Atemu. It's ok for not feeling anything to his departure."

"Actually it happened to me once." Yugi waited for me to reply. When I didn't, he continued on. "Some of my Grandpa's really good friends went down to America for a boat trip. Somehow the carbon monoxide filled the cabin they were in. They couldn't breathe. When Grandpa heard the news, I swear he was going to cry. But I felt hardly anything. Sure, I knew them as his friends. But I never got a real connection with them. I never really knew them. And I hardly felt anything."

"I blamed myself for that, for feeling so selfish when my Grandpa was going through hard times. But then I realized it was ok. It was ok that I didn't know them, therefore I couldn't feel anything. I talked to Grandpa about it, and he said it was fine."

"Malik, it isn't unusual. You're feeling this way because everyone around you is grieving. But it's ok. Just realize that."

I didn't say anything. Sure, what Yugi said made a lot of sense, but I still couldn't get rid of the nothingness.

"I better go now. They're probably wondering where I am." Yugi stated. He smiled at me. A genuine, true smile. Not those fake ones his friends are always giving me. He waved before leaving, closing the door with a soft click.

I went over and laid down on my bed, exhausted all of the sudden. I looked up at the white ceilings, letting the past 10 minutes roll around my head. I felt a weight being lifted off of my heart, letting my soar up into the sky. That's when I realized it.

I no longer felt nothing.

..................

I felt like writing Angsty!Malik one day, so here it is! And the fact I was listening to Fields of Innocence by Evanescence helped quite a bit. And what Malik feels at the end is up to you. Hope you all like it!


End file.
